I am not free.

Screaming is all I felt like doing today.  More and more each day, the anger I feel seems to intensify.  I am not free.  I am lucky.  But nowhere near free.  I am lucky and cursed.  Freedom appears to be mine until I get to the edge of my enclosure to see the bars.  Others are in smaller cages where the bars are all they see.  This rage I have sometimes feels powerful enough to bring the entire zoo of a world down.

We are having to ask for the right to marry the person we love.  We are having to ask to not fire us from our jobs.  We are having to ask to let us help others by donating blood.  I am tired of asking.  Freedom means living a life that makes you happy without harming anyone.  We are loving, productive members of society but we are having to ask to be equal.  We are already equals.

I said I was lucky.  I am bisexual and I married someone of the opposite sex.  People assume I am straight.  This, I guess, makes certain parts of life easier.  Such as, I was allowed to marry the person I love.  They allowed me.  If she were a he,  I would not have been allowed.  When she was in the hospital having surgery, I would not have been allowed to stay the night with her.  She would have been alone.  There was no one else that could have been with her. I am lucky because I can be with her but I know that if I never found her, I could have easily fallen in love with a man.

I said I was cursed.  I am bisexual and I married someone of the opposite sex.  People assume I am straight.  There has to be a billboard (or a website) announcing my sexuality to everyone.  Years of denial hid my own sexuality from me.  When I came to accept it, it felt like the clichéd boulder was lifted from my shoulders.  No one told me it was the dam holding back the flood of emotions that were repressed as well.  I have reached the end of my enclosure.  I now see the bars and know I am not free.

With each passing moment I try to find a productive outlet for this ire.  To my chagrin, something prods the flames and the inferno begins anew.  So many wonderful events have occurred in the recent times.  Some states are allowing same-sex marriages.  I should be applauding.  In my eyes, though, they are simply marriages.  And we had to ask.  So the cages and enclosures are becoming more spacious.

…..But I am not free.


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