Queen of Hearts

Valentine’s Day. The most loathsome of holidays is three days away.  A day so corporate driven it is only surpassed by Black Friday and X-mas. Still people give into the flowers , cards, and candy. I used to pride myself on not being one of those people, though as my transition progresses I’ve had to make harsh realizations. I am a sucker for love stories and if I received flowers on February 14th, I would turn into a sobbing, snotty idiot of happiness. And as V-Day approaches, I would like to impart to you my lack of knowledge about love.

I will be the first to tell you, I am horrible at human interaction. Connecting with someone is an aspect of everyday existence that eludes me. This is where my self proclaimed title of Evil Queen derives. Partial ego but also the fact that even when I am near people, I am never truly a part of that world. Leaving me with a very limited understanding of how relationships work.

This distance stems from when I was not able to accept me. There is a old proverb which states, “A man with a toothache can never truly be in love.” I had this distraction deep down that would not let me focus on anyone. I could never love someone wholeheartedly because I would never let my whole heart show. They could never truly be in love with me. How could they ? They loved a persona I wore daily. This persona took so much effort to maintain I never listened to what my partner was telling me they needed. Lying about who you are is probably the cruelest action a person can do to someone they care for.

To top off my emotional issues, I am selective to an extreme. So extreme I did not date anyone for two years before my best friend that I have promised to help until she gets on her feet. My best friend and I were married for seven years but we have been separated now for one. If I wasn’t picky before, she has set a high standard to the point that my next relationship can be no less than EPIC. Earthquaking. Lightning crashing. Oncoming storm. EPIC.

Sounds like I have everything worked out. Except. I am a insecure, self-absorbed supernova of emotions. I now feel everything that I repressed for a third of a century. Add in estrogen + “Chemical X” and I go critical watching any romance. But I enjoy that. On the other hand, I have a massive fear of saying the wrong thing which gives me an overexagerated sense of self importance. Meaning if someone doesn’t talk to me I get worried I’ve said the dumbest thing in the history of the universe. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows, “In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

In spite of all this, I am looking forward to Valentine’s Day. I will not likely get asked out or even get a card. But I see this day now as a reminder to remember the ones who make our hearts race. Everyday can be so monotonous and we forget the little things. Stress overshadows the reasons we fell in love in the first place. And for those of use who may not have a special someone, we shouldn’t see it as a reminder that we’re alone. We should see it as a reminder we should look up from the monotany to see if that person we were hoping to find is already there.

One last thought, Saturday is Valentine’s Day and I want flowers…..or off with your heads.

Love,

Lilith

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